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My Vegetarian Thanksgiving
Vegetarians are not just evil, they are also inconsiderate
Many of you have certainly, by now, had vegetarian friends
over for the Thanksgiving holiday. Usually, we omnivorous
folk are very considerate for the dietary 'requirements' of
our neurotic cronies and we usually prepare enough non-meat
items to ensure that our vegetarian guests can have a
delightful time and partake in a unique holiday tradition
which, in America, spans the generations, heritages and
cultures of the fine people who make up our great nation.
Our first Thanksgiving with Vegetarian guests went
something like this:
We are Americans and live abroad, therefore, we get
together with other American expatriates once each year to
share this uniquely American tradition. It was 'our turn' and
Thanksgiving is usually a huge chore without the extra work
of vegetarian guests - who generally expect that their
eccentric dietary decision will be catered to in what seems
to be a sort of bizarre acknowledgement of demonstrating
their moral superiority. Nobody bothered to tell them that if
there were, in fact any real vegans or vegetarians on the
Mayflower some 400 years ago, they would have most certainly
been the first to perish...
However, we are not combative vegetarians, so we prepared
a mountain of vegetarian cuisine in addition to the usual
Turkey-day fare, plenty of which would pass muster with the
strictest vegans and fruitarians. In addition to turkey and
the trimmings we had manicotti, eggplant parmigiana, pasta
pesto, pasta e fagioli and a cornucopia of meatless delights
to satisfy the most discriminating vegetarian (with a
distinctly Italian-ethnic cant). While we were preparing this
repast, we wondered if vegetarians prepare meat dishes for
their omnivorous/carnivorous guests. Do they prepare them to
look like vegetables? We were to find out the next year...
but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Our vegetarian friends were the last to arrive, with their
troupe of malnourished hyperactive kids. We had a home full
of children, but the vegetarian kids are especially
hyperactive (and undersized) and one of them somehow
immediately ripped an expensive lamp off the wall popping a
circuit breaker in the process and were jumping on our new
furniture. They were on windowsills and jumping about the
house as if it were an acrobatics studio. They were totally
out of control, and the parents didn't even really seem to
notice until they saw our reaction. The other children - who
were all about the same age - were very well behaved.
The meal was a huge success, with all of us enjoying the
turkey and trimmings and polishing off a few bottles of wine
in the process. Our vegetarian friends were duly impressed
with the breadth of non-meat items to sample. The vegetarian
children hardly ate a thing, but seemed to be anxiously
waiting for the desserts to begin. From what we saw that
night, the only thing those poor children ate were
The desserts were delicious, and the vegetarians children,
who ate nearly nothing until the dessert course, really went
to town., The fresh injection of sugar set the otherwise
starved vegetarian children off again, this time spilling
drinks on our new floors and breaking a glass and two dishes.
More jumping on the couches followed - they were relentless
and unstoppable. At this point, the vegetarian mom decided to
take the youngest baby home - just a few blocks away to put
her to bed, and her now sugar-charged, hyperactive brood of
rampaging stunted vegetarian runts went with her. Whew! We
The following year, it was our vegetarian friends' turn at
Thanksgiving. We were all in for a surprise.
Thanksgiving at the Vegetarian family's home...
Our first hint that something was amiss was when we first
walked through the door of our vegetarian hosts' home. You
usually associate Thanksgiving with the smells of a cooking
turkey. We had suspected as much, but were still kind of
surprised, that the same folks who were anxious recipients of
our hospitality and hard work, would not show us at least an
attempt at reciprocity by cooking a turkey for the hungry
guests who now began arriving.
Surprise! There wasn't going to be a turkey this
thanksgiving. They had very graciously enlisted us in their
quixotic urge to rescue a turkey from this abhorrent holiday
and began to proseletize their foolish religion to any who
would listen. My teenage son was really famished, so I
whispered to my wife that I would take him to a restaurant
for some real food. I do not feed tofu or soy products to
neither myself nor my family, so we thought we could make a
polite getaway to a restaurant to enjoy a real meal.
My wife whispered back that it would be very rude, and so
not looking to be equally militant with my dietary choices, I
decided to sit and see what was prepared for us. My son's
stomach was growling - probably more in dread than
The lady of the house told us that she did, in fact have a
turkey for us, and that it was a great surprise. She had
worked extra hard to put a turkey before us on this holiday
despite all of her strong convictions that people who murder
animals and eat food that has a face are evil.
So we had our appetizers, sprouts, carrots, vegan hommus
dip, baba ghannouj, falafel and they even tried to convince
me of the health benefits of tofu - but we know better, don't
Finally, the moment had arrived... the turkey was ready. I
was almost fooled, despite the lack of the aroma of a basting
turkey and gravy permeating the home. I really thought that
they were as considerate as we were!
That is, until I laid eyes on the turkey. I don't know
what was more sad... well, you tell me...
...the sad excuse for a turkey, or the look on my starving
teenage son's face.
Well, this was much more than I or my son could take. So we
abruptly got up and retrieved our coats. Some indignant
chatter followed, which I could barely concentrate on due to
my hunger, my own indignation and the racket caused by the
vegetarian family's three malnourished, hyperactive children
screeching and jumping on their rickety, banged-up furniture.
Fortunately, we live in a European capital city, and there
is no shortage of eager restauraeurs who will gladly serve us
hot turkey on a Thursday evening - even at the last possible
I haven't spoken to my vegetarian friends since then. I
just don't need the aggravation.
|Why do vegetarians try to make their
food look like meat?.
Why do they make their vegetables look like meat?.
If vegetarians hate the very idea of eating meat so much,
why do they create all kinds of food which is designed to
look exactly like meat? Anything from veggie 'burgers' to
vegetarian 'turkey' and 'chicken' loaf.
Flip through a vegetarian cookbook and you will be
astonished at the number of recipes designed to look like,
taste like, or in some way simulate meat.
Thanksgiving always brings out the lunatic in the
vegetarian, as is manifested by the many faux turkeys and
faux turkey products that the vegetarians think are cute.
I know that if I were to say, meet up with a 'reformed'
cannibal tribe out in the jungle somewhere, and they all told
me how WRONG it was to eat humans I might feel better. Then
if we sat down to share a meal and everything they prepared
looked like hands, feet, eyeballs and other parts of chopped
up humans I would think that they were still a bunch of
|...so can someone please tell us why so muchl of
that great vegetarian cuisine looks JUST LIKE
Momma, why can't I have a
Forced Upon Helpless Child Victims
|Vegetarians are desperate to replace
the meat and good solid protein that their diets
They are willing to replace this
healthy dose of meat with bland mixtures of vegetable derived
chemicals designed to be just like meat!.
So these morally superior folks
have turned to eating things almost like meat, which deep in
ther perverted hearts, they truly love since there is now a
huge industry replacing these missing meats with processed
foods containing all sorts of chemicals and employing high
tech food processing wizardry.
To make something that comes out
of a farmer's field look like the the phoney chicken cutlet
above takes a lot of processing, chemicals and - zoot alors -
fossil fuels. I've been on a lot of farms, and I've never
seen vegetables that look like these...
Herbivorous animals such as cows and
horses were designed to eat only vegetation and have more
than one stomach which an animal needs to live on a solely
vegetarian diet. Humans do not come with a fermentation
stomach, nor the other specialized equipment necessary to
live an entirely vegetarian lifestyle naturally.
Thank goodness for food
processing plants and the application of industrial chemicals
to make this stuff look, taste and chew JUST LIKE MEAT!